


Enough nerve

by Startanewdream



Series: Jily Lives AU [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Family Feels, Family Issues, Gen, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter Live, James Potter is a good parent, Potter Family-centric (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28916763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Startanewdream/pseuds/Startanewdream
Summary: For nearly five years the thought of his father had been a source of comfort, of inspiration. Whenever someone had told him he was like James he had glowed with pride inside. And now . . . now he felt cold and miserable at the thought of him.- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.Harry deals with the effects of what he saw on the Pensieve - this time, with his parent's help.
Relationships: Harry Potter & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Harry Potter & Potter Family, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Series: Jily Lives AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2116542
Comments: 20
Kudos: 94





	Enough nerve

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of including Remus and Sirius here, but they already said what they think, right? So it's a Potters reunion - with the tiniest bit of Hinny for the future.
> 
> Also, since it's an AU, Harry and the Weasleys are home for Easter holiday!

The house is quiet. There is one more person there than usual and still the house is so quiet that James can hear the sound of his own heartbeat. It’s disconcerting, actually.

Something is  _ wrong _ and he knows it. Lily knows it too; she had glanced worriedly at him before leaving hurriedly for a mission for the Order, and then they had both looked in Harry’s direction - his head was bent down, playing dismayingly with the eggs in his plate, barely whispering a bye for his mother when she waved to him.

Not hungry and quiet. That was a bad sign.

The thing about Harry is that he is usually very easy to read, especially because he always looks out for his parents when he has a problem - except if it involves doing some saving-people thing, when Harry jumps first into danger and thinks later of warning his parents. Harry never had any problem talking about things before.

He certainly said loudly and with very colourful words what was on his mind during last Summer, when James and Lily were once again involved with the Order and then they had to keep secrets from Harry. It had not been pleasant, but then again that could be Harry behaving like a teenager - a scared, traumatized, full of nightmares teenager that had dealt with things an adult wouldn't dream of, but still. Teenage rebellion phase is something they can deal with.

And when Harry had been angry, at least they knew what his problem was, but now he is… apathetic? He didn’t say anything to his parents - not even to discuss school, complain again about Umbridge or comment anything about Dumbledore leaving school. He spent all week locked in the library, saying something about studying for his OWL, only coming out for meals he wasn’t even eating and refusing to meet either parents' eyes. 

In fact, James doesn’t know why Harry even bothered to come home for the Easter Holiday, because it is evident that Harry’s mind is elsewhere, in a place where, for the first time, Harry doesn't seem to want to talk to his parents.

Except Harry usually shares with him and Lily what’s bothering him, so this new silence treatment is different. Maybe it is also part of his teenage rebellion phase? He thinks Moony had been like that - no, Remus was always the quiet one anyway, the one who least wanted to talk about his problems as if he didn't want to burden others. Maybe Harry is like that…?

The fireplace in the living room burns brightly green and he raises his head just in time to see a redhead coming out of the fireplace.

‘Oh, hi, Mr. Potter!’, Ginny says brightly and slightly out of breath. She looks windswept as if crossing fireplaces has been a challenge. ‘Sorry to burst in unannounced like that’.

‘No problem, and it’s James’, he says in a false chastening, making her grin. No matter how many times he asks, Ginny always calls him Mr. Potter, even though she has no problem calling Lily by her name. ‘What’s up?’

‘Mom forgot to send our Easter eggs, so I volunteered to bring them here, though I may have crushed them a little in the way. Your fireplace is hard to find now'.

James nods gravely. Ever since Voldemort came back, their house has been overly protected. The only magical way to enter is through the Floo Network, whose access is limited to a few houses, and owls can’t find the place. It's annoying, but if it helps keep Harry safer, he doesn't mind.

‘Also’, Ginny adds, smiling unabashedly, ‘any excuse to be away from Aunt Muriel is valid. We are at her house for the holidays and it’s been a nightmare’.

‘Oh, dear Aunt Muriel. I’ve met her once. “ _ Thought you’ll be more handsome _ ”, she said. “ _ Your wife is much prettier than you _ ”, which it's not false, but still -'

‘Unkind, I know. She always tells me that I should be taller, as if I could control it’, Ginny agrees, rolling her eyes. ‘Anyway, Ron left with Dad for a trip to the market down the village, leaving me alone, that bastard, and I grabbed the first opportunity to get five minutes off. So…’

She delivers him three boxes, and points to the biggest one.

‘That’s Harry’s, of course’, she says fondly. ‘Ron told Mum he seemed down lately, so she thought he could appreciate more chocolate’.

‘Kind of her… so Harry’s been down?’

Ginny bits her lips, suddenly unsure.

‘I don’t know. Hermione said something like that too, but it may be just the exams or -’, she stops herself, her face flushed.

‘Ginny?’, James asks quietly. ‘What's wrong?'

She raises her eyebrows and crosses her arms.

‘I think that’s Harry’s business’, she says loyally, and James wishes she had spoken in a different way.

He can argue with a lot of things, but not with someone wanting to be loyal to Harry, no matter how much he is dying to understand what’s going on with his son.

He watches Ginny more carefully now. There is a stubborn expression on her face and he knows she won’t tell him anything, but maybe her stubbornness could help Harry in some way. He remembers Harry confessing to him how he’d been confused and worried after overhearing people discussing how he might be possessed by Voldemort (that’s the thing about Harry, he does the wrong thing but he eventually tells), and how Ginny had helped him see things clearly.

Harry also told him guiltily of completely forgetting Ginny had been once possessed by Voldemort, and James thinks he understands why Harry forgot it. Ginny is so bright and lively, especially now she is not quiet around Harry, that it would be easy for Harry to forget she had been involved with dark arts when she was younger. Harry never thinks less of anyone for their worst - he only sees their best.

But maybe Ginny can tell him off again - or, as Harry put it, talk some sense into him.

‘Why don’t you deliver the Easter eggs to Harry?’, James suggests casually, returning the biggest box to her. ‘He’s in the library. He’s been there  _ all week _ ’.

‘Oh’, Ginny whispers, her eyes big, and he can see she understands that something is really off with Harry. ‘Like when he barely talks to anyone and just has that look like someone ate the last piece of treacle tart?'

'And he refused my invitation to fly also', James adds and they both share a grimace.

Harry had been absolutely crushed for being forbidden of playing Quidditch and the fact that he had refused any chance to fly, especially when they were allowing some time off the house (which had been mainly off-limits ever since dementors almost got him during Summer), clearly was a sign of how bad things were.

'I will just give him those Easter eggs then', Ginny says. There is a determined look on her face that almost makes James feel sorry for his son.

‘Whatever gets you out of Aunt Muriel’s way, right?’, he asks teasingly, and Ginny grins, both knowing that is not really the reason she is staying a bit longer.

She goes to the library and, when she is at the door, she turns back to him.

‘I won’t tell you anything he says’, she warns, and James nods respectfully, watching her vanish inside the library with the Easter egg in her hand.

* * *

If Ginny was able to tell Harry off so easily during Christmas, James expects her to help solve things with Harry quickly. Instead, she doesn't come out of the library for thirty-five minutes, all of which James keeps stealing glances to the door instead of reading the Alchemy Manual he was supposed to study.

Lily comes home in the meantime and she just blinks when he tells her what had happened.

'Hope she is luckier than us', she says, and James can hear the hurt in her voice. She is worried about Harry, and she is also sad that he isn't confiding in any of them this time.

It's a feeling James shares. How can he be there for Harry if his son doesn't want him?

'I'll take a quick shower, ok?', she adds, her hand touching his hair fondly and James can’t help but smirk at her.

‘Is that an invitation?’, he teases, making her chuckle.

‘For a  _ quick  _ shower? I deserve more time, you know’.

‘Oh, I know’, he agrees, pulling Lily into his lap to kiss her on the lips. He is feeling more and more inclined to offer her a long shower when the doors of the library open.

They break apart in time to see Harry and Ginny coming out, both looking serious. But James watches Harry's expression: he is frowning at his parents together as if somehow that bothers him.

'Hi, Lily', Ginny says with forced joy after there is an awkward moment of silence. 'Mum sent you Easter eggs. I'll just be going now, she is probably wondering where I am'.

'Thank Molly for us, Ginny', Lily says, raising up, her eyes going from James to Harry and back again.

'Yeah', says Harry, his voice hoarse. 'And anytime you want to escape your Aunt, you can come here'.

It's the most complete sentence James has heard Harry say all week.

Ginny smiles more naturally at him now - a smile that Harry almost returns - before waving around and vanishing in the fireplace.

There is another moment of silence, before Lily says in a voice too casual to be natural: 'I'll take a shower. Why don't you two start dinner?'

They both nod. James watches Lily go, before turning to Harry, with a forced smile.

'What do you think? Chicken pasta and salad?'

Harry shrugs, agreeing, as they go to the kitchen.

'I'm not really hungry', he says in a small voice, taking potatoes to chop without really paying attention. When James looks in his direction, thinking that Harry hasn't been hungry all week, he sees Harry is blushing faintly. 'Ginny and I ate all the Easter egg'.

'Chocolate in the library? You know you are not -'

'I know, no food in the library rule. It just happened'.

'Okay', James says slowly, taking more time than reasonable to say these two syllables. 'At least you  _ ate _ something'.

His eyes meet Harry's then. This is the first time James is openly acknowledging he knows something is wrong, and this is also the first time Harry is looking at him directly with the most peculiar expression James has ever seen on his son.

He has already seen Harry’s green eyes shining with anger, desperation and hurt, but the emotion there is something new.

Disappointment.

As if James let him down somehow.

'Harry -', he begins, just as Harry starts talking too.

'There is something I need to tell you', he whispers, sounding miserable. 'I broke the mirror'.

'What mirror? The two-way mirror?'

'Yeah. About a week ago. I thought of calling you, but I was so mad that… I just broke into my hands'.

James just watches him with concern.

'We can fix later', he assures, but that still doesn't seem the reason Harry has been upset. ‘Were you hurt?’ Harry shakes his head. 'Why were you mad, Harry?'

Harry closes his fist and takes a deep breath as if gathering courage

'Because of what I saw on Snape's pensieve'.

James raises his eyebrows, but he doesn't say anything as Harry recounts exactly what memory of Snape he has seen. There is a heavy feeling on his chest that just increases with every word Harry says.

But he feels at his worst when Harry finishes his tale and he looks at James with a kind of desperation that seems to beg for an explanation, an alternative point of view of those events, any reason at all for the fact that his father was just as arrogant bullying toerag as Lily had called him then.

And he knows there isn’t.

'I wish you wouldn't judge me for what you saw, Harry', whispers James at least. 'I was young -'

'You were my age!', Harry cries, angry tears shining in his eyes.

'And still I was younger than you', James counters quietly. 'You faced too many things for a fifteen-years-old whereas… I was stupid and young and didn't think of anyone else other than myself'.

'But…', Harry blinks at him, as if even when he is upset he can't hear criticism against his father. 'You were  _ good _ , I mean, you always told me how you became an animagus for Uncle Moony and how you were Head Boy -'

'It was for Remus, yes, but back then I thought of him already as part of my family. And that was my problem. Anything that was out of my own personal bubble… I didn't care. I wasn't selfless like you'.

'I am not -'

'You literally stayed behind last year during the Second Task of the Triwizard Tournament because you couldn't think of leaving a young girl alone in the Black Lake'.

'I was just stupid enough to -'

'You care for others. You are so much like your mother in that'.

This compliment doesn't make Harry smile, and James understands another problem Harry had with watching that memory.

Things with Lily had been so complicated then.

'I know that doesn't excuse me, Harry, and I am not trying to defend myself. I was everything your mother complained I was back then, but only because I didn't know better. I had the perfect life. My parents loved me and always gave me anything I wanted. My friends loved me and they trusted me. I was good at school without much effort. I was amazing at Quidditch and I knew it. People admired me. I never had any concern at all'.

Harry blinks at him, and James knows his son cannot fathom how it's like to live a life without any worry.

'So I was a bit conceived, yes, I thought the world revolved around me'.

'You… you and Sirius, you both… Snape…'

'Things with Snape were always difficult’, James admits, his hand messing up his hair nervously. His relationship with Snape was one he never wanted to fully disclose to Harry, even when Harry asked him once why Snape disliked them so much. 'We hated each other from the beginning and our ways were very different. But, yeah, it was four of us and Snape was mostly alone, so he almost never won'

'Almost?'

James hesitates.

'Snape was - and he was  _ also  _ young, Harry, so I  _ try  _ to not hold against him - he was too invested in dark things, in dark spells, in… the wrong company. And I promise you, no matter what you saw, I always  _ hated _ Dark Arts, always despised those who would use it. And in the few times he managed to get the upper hand… things got ugly'.

'So he did get back to you? He wasn't just…'

'Harry', James cuts him off, hating to crush the small hope that is glistening in Harry's eyes. 'Whatever happened other times between me and Snape, I can't say it justifies what you saw. That time, that day, I jinxed him for no other reason than I was bothered and…', James takes a deep breath. 'I wanted to call your mother's attention'.

'Mom was decent', Harry says in a small voice.

'She was. She never complied with injustice'.

'Mom - she said she would  _ never...  _ She  _ disliked _ you so much'.

'Yes'.

'How could -  _ did  _ you somehow - she  _ hated _ you'.

'Nah, she didn't. Not really. She just thought I could be better and I  _ did _ become better, Harry'.

'You told me you had asked her out and she had refused you'.

'Yeah, she did. Twice. We only started going out in our seventh year'.

'But - why?'

'Why?'

‘Why did she accept to go out with you?’

There is a sigh from behind them.

‘I think that’s better if you ask me, Harry’, Lily says softly, and James turns to see his wife.

She is fresh from her shower, her auburn wet hair falling dark over her shoulders, and as always when he sees her James' heart skips a beat. 

Their eyes meet and James can see she understands partly what has been bothering Harry all week. She approaches him, taking his hand and entwining their fingers, so they can stand side by side. Lily has a soothing presence no one else has for James and he breathes easier now.

Harry frowns, but he stays silent as he looks at Lily. James can easily read his son’s need for a sense for everything.

‘A lot of people were idiots when they were fifteen’, says Lily. James chuckles fondly.

‘You weren’t’, he says. Lily shrugs.

‘I was, just differently. I refused to see things that were in front of my nose and I thought only my opinion mattered. But I grew out of it, just as you did. Sirius grew up. Remus did too. We all did’.

‘Come on, Moony was fine’, James defends. She shakes her head.

‘He never said anything, right? I was more friendly with him than with any of you, and still he would never say a word against you. He worshipped you too much’.

‘Well - he made me and Sirius feel guilty - kind of at least, more than anyone else’. James looks back at Harry. ‘But, yeah, that stopped. Remus doesn’t have any problem saying what he feels now’.

‘Of course not’, Lily agrees. ‘People change, Harry. Sometimes for worse, sometimes for the better, and that was definitely your father’s case. Do you know how we told you we were friends before we dated?’

Harry nods, thoughtfully. Back at Christmas, when Harry had let slip something about the fact he had kissed someone, Lily had reminded him of the importance of getting to know someone better before getting into any relationship.

‘Well, things between us started rocky, but when we were in our sixth year… the world was changing and so were we. We became friends over shared concerns, shared beliefs and shared night talks. Your dad had his problems, but… his heart was always in the right place’.

When Harry looks confused, Lily grimaces as if she wishes she doesn’t have to continue this conversation too.

‘If I got it right, you saw -’

‘That day over the lake’, James says, his hand messing up his hair once more. ‘After the defense OWL’.

Lily nods gravely.

‘Well, then you know what - you heard what Snape called me’, she says in a low voice, and James wonders if Harry can hear the pain in Lily’s voice. Twenty years later and it’s clear that day still bothers her. He puts his arms around her shoulder, in comfort, and Lily throws him a grateful look. ‘Well, whatever faults your father had, he would never say what Severus… James was  _ good _ . He was not prejudiced. That thing he does of seeing the best in people, no matter what - like with Remus and Sirius and…’

‘Peter’, James adds heavily when she stops herself, and now it’s Lily that is embracing him for support.

‘You helped people’, she says, looking at him with only affection on her bright green eyes. ‘And when you deflated your head a little, that became obvious. You didn’t care just for you or for those around you. You care for everyone. You cared about doing the right thing. And that’s one of the things that drew me to you’.

‘And here I thought it was my incredible ability to make you laugh’, he murmurs in a fake self-confident voice, and just as he expects, that makes Lily let out one of the amused giggles, accepting the kiss that James gives warmly on her forehead.

Lily sighs then turns to Harry, who looks at them still thoughtfully. ‘So, you see, I fell in love with your dad when that fifteen years old boy you saw had evolved into a very nice man. When he became Head Boy, I wasn’t even much surprised’.

James throws an incredulous look at her.

‘You are  _ so lying,  _ Evans’, he says. Lily chuckles.

‘I said "much" _ , Potter _ . Come on, I saw you being all responsible the year before, helping young students and protecting people and not standing up to prejudice and bigotry. You deserved that badge', she paused before giving him a sly smile. 'It matched your eyes nicely too’.

‘I always knew you were only interested in my good looks’.

‘In how good you looked next to me, you mean?’, she teases, and James can’t help but to pull her towards him, kissing her softly on the lips.

When they break apart, Harry is avoiding looking at them, but James recognizes his embarrassment at his parents in the gesture, more than any kind of nuisance.

‘It’s safe to look now’, he tells Harry playfully, and Harry rolls his eyes at him, but he seems more at ease than James has seen him all week.

‘You  _ love  _ each other’, Harry says and the certainty and relief in his voice arepalpable.

‘Of course we do, Harry’, Lily says, exchanging a glance with James. ‘You know that’.

‘I just thought -’. He shakes his head. ‘Nothing. Ginny said I was being stupid, and she was right'.

'What did you talk about anyway? You stayed there for a long time'.

'She told me you were going to ask and that I should tell you it's my business', Harry replies grinning. 'But I don't mind... She just helped me remember something important. I was - afraid, I guess, of talking to you. She helped me remember anything is possible if you got enough nerve, so -'

'I am sorry, Harry', says James earnestly. 'That what you saw made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. I just want you to know - it's  _ important _ you know this - that you can always say anything to me - to  _ us _ , no matter what'.

Harry nods quietly; the dark cloud that had hung over his head seems to have vanished.

'Now, what about a pizza? Since dinner hasn't even started?', Lily asks brightly, glancing at Harry. He smiles.

'From that old place in Main Street? Can we go there?'

This makes Lily's smile falters and Harry adds hurriedly: 'We can just order, no problem'.

'No, I think we will survive one night out. But take your wand with you, just in case'. Harry nods seriously. 'Go on'.

'Actually, Harry', James calls before Harry leaves, as a thought crosses his mind. 'Did Snape say anything about what you saw?'

Harry blinks at him.

'Snape wasn't happy', he says neutrally.

' _ Professor  _ Snape, Harry… How is your occlumency?', asks Lily, exchanging a concerned look with James. After what happened over Christmas…

'The same. But -', Harry sighs as if he wishes he were saying anything else. 'I don't think we will continue the classes. He was really upset because of the pensieve'.

'What?', James cries just as Lily jumps.

'I will talk to him', she says. 'He can't possibly -'

'I don't mind, it is a relief actually -,

'This is really important, Harry, if -'

'Dad', Harry cuts him off, his hand going automatically to his scar as if it's bothering him. 'Can't we talk about this tomorrow? The holidays are almost over, and I was already too much a prat for most of it… can we just have a nice dinner?'

There is a pleading look on Harry’s eyes. James bits his lips, but after a second Lily nods with a small smile.

'Ok, but don't think we will forget it. Go take your wand'.

Harry smiles gratefully. Lily turns to James, touching his face softly when she sees he is frowning.

'We'll talk to Dumbledore', she says quietly when Harry is gone. 'He will intervene with Severus. Let's just have a nice dinner with our teenage son tonight, shall we?'

James sighs.

'Ok... I'm going to change then'.

When he is at the door, he turns to her with a smirk already on his lips.

'Do you know where our old school things are?'

Lily looks curiously at him.

'At the attic, I think, why?'

'Thought of using my old Head Boy badge. See if it still goes with my eyes'.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, please let a review with your thoughts.


End file.
